Five Stages of Book-Theft Grief

For bibliophiles, the loss of a book is a source of much sadness (though in the scheme of all things that could possibly be lost in a lifetime, not so much):

First there is denial: “What do you mean it’s silly to look for the book in the sock drawer? I know it’s here somewhere!”

Second is anger: “Why should I trust anyone who comes into my library ever again? Lock up all the books – now and forever!!”

Third is bargaining: “I won’t charge you any fines if you bring it back – pleeeeze.”

Fourth is depression: “It’s never coming home again, is it?” [Insert here moans and sighes.]

Fifth is acceptance: “Just buy a new copy already! It’s only a book, not your dog, your partner, your house, your city.”